Bryter Layter?

It is interesting how the ‘undermind’ works. I must have death thoughts in my mind (with the recent death of Aunty Mary) because I found myself reaching for my old Nick Drake albums. For readers who don’t know Nick Drake he died in his late 20’s in the mid-1970’s. In his lifetime he sold only a few thousand copies of his 3 albums. Since his death, and mostly in the 1990’s he has sold over a million. I was a bit of a Drake pioneer, listening to his 3 albums in the 1980’s but have not done so recently. Today they sounded great. I don’t think my new anxiety book would have helped him. Apparently towards the end of his short life he was so far ‘gone’ (through depression) that he couldn’t even recognize close friends. An unimaginably dark place to be.

A routine work day. I finished off a workbook on diversity for a seminar I am piloting next week. And did the slides on open source software called Open Office Impress. I can convert these into PowerPoint. The beauty is that I downloaded this for free thereby by-passing the need to contribute further to Microsoft’s balance sheet. Soon, with the increasing amount of open source operating systems and software available for free we will all be able to do this. So few people know about it and seem happy to pay hundreds of £’s, $’s or €’s for MS Office.

Today I went out for much needed exercise. On the bike for an hour with my naughty youngest strapped to the back. I took my young ones to the park so they could cycle too and then it was back to base for egg on toast. And rice pudding. As I said yesterday, when away from the UK we revert to food we would never eat in England. The evening finished with a dose of the tele-tubbies. I must confess I begin to feel like La-La after an hour of watching them. I am trying to see where the educational content is until I then ask myself why there needs to be. I have many pleasures with no educational content at all so why should I deprive my youngest of simple purposeless pleasure. There is a great book by a guy who claims to have learnt everything he knows from TV. I think we have become a little puritanical about TV. My eldest daughter knows much more about the world than I knew at her age, largely through TV. She even watched and seemed to enjoy ‘The Sky at Night’ recently. She watched an image of the sun blowing up (anticipated in around 4 billion years) and I had to explain what a large number 4 billion is.

Tomorrow night Caroline returns and I will be back in the UK on Saturday until January 3. I have my London house on the market. My wonderful estate agent (who will be named here soon if they don’t start working a bit harder) has managed to solicit only 4 viewing in 4 weeks.

Music of the day: Bryter Layter, Pink Moon, Five Leaves Left – the 3 Nick Drake albums.

Fraternity

I have to begin my blog with my gripe today. The french idea of fraternity seems to be to let their dogs poo all over the street and for children to then attach themselves to the mess. Last night I took my girls cycling to the park and Lily's bike immediately went through dog mess. I spent the next 20 minutes cleaning it with a stick and water from the public tap in the park while restraining my two year old from 'helping'. Nobody seems to care about it here. The streets are covered in it. All in various states of decay. If this blog wasn't meant to be so positive I might be tempted to say that it seems to me that this lack of concern for one's fellow human beings really sums up the french attitude to each other. Lots of superficial kissing and 'ca va's' but little depth. Of course I didn't say that did I!

But all of this is insignificant set against a tearful partner who has just seen the body of her deceased aunt. I have never seen a dead person before and I cannot imagine what it must be like. I do not want to imagine what it must be like. I did not really know what to say.

I got approached from a publisher about the possibility of writing a book on taking opportunities at work. I am quite attached to the idea but need to think it through. At the moment my head is solidly in my new book on anxiety. I am anxious myself about this one as I think it could be 'the one'. My publisher BBC Active may get rather irritated if I detect any letting up in the promotion of it. I feel like I could write for ever at the moment. It's always like that when I write a book. As soon as I finish one I immediately want to start the next while my brain is still fizzing. A few months down the line and the brain goes flat and it becomes harder to get started on the next one. So I may get started on the taking opportunities book while my brain is still sparking.

The weather here is worringly good. 20 degrees today and great sunshine. I sat outside our new cafe with a pot of darjeeling and the paper with the sun making a real effort to pierce the skin of my face and what a beautiful feeling it was. I even bought a scone from the conversational owner when he told me he had made them himself. By the way do you want to know what the french word for scone is? Why of course, you knew already didn't you! (scone). So there I was at 9.00am this morning with my traditional english afternoon tea of scone, jam, cream and pot of darj. Of course I would never do this in England at any time of the day. Wilde said that too much foreign travels dulls the mind. Given that many of us revert to the national stereotype that barely exists in our country any more when we are abroad he was probably right.

I used some of my psychology skills. A friend here in Pezenas is having considerable marital difficulties. We talked about depression and I suggested to him a number of people get depressed in their late 30's and early 40's and pull through. I think it has a lot to do with people having great ambitions in their teens and early twenties and then when they have failed to realise those ambitions (at a time when their life is 'half over') they begin to worry what exactly they are here for. I believe we create our own purpose. It's when we stop doing so, or when the purpose is not realised or when the purpose we create lacks resonance for us on its achievement that we get down. At this point many of us start to realise what sort of people we are as individuals and adjust our lives accordingly. But this can be difficult and the frustration can last a very long time.

When I reflect on the happiest part of my day today it is probably right now at this moment. My girls are sound asleep in bed after three hours of post-educational mayhem and I am rather enjoying writing my blog while listening to the excellent Moondog album 'Elpmas'. I wonder if anyone is reading it? I wonder who else in the world is listening to Moondog right at this moment? One day I will of course be able to find out immediate answers to both questions.

Music of the day: Moondog - Fujiyama Parts One and Two.

Aunty Mary

I have been a while updating my blog because we have had a bereavement in the family. Caroline’s aunt died suddenly, she was not ill and it all came as a shock. Her aunt was a maternal figure rather than a distant relative and still young at 72. I wonder if she died through boredom. Of course in the UK we have to record a reason for death and they will put it down to cardiac arrest but I think she felt that she had no purpose. Having no children Caroline was her and her widower Colin’s ‘daughter figure. We made the comment that I suppose we all make at this time and should really begin to follow. Make the Most of Your Time.

I have the children therefore to myself for ten days. We are all getting along just fine. I am doing absent father things like treating them to too much sugary food. I actually made custard yesterday! Tonight it is pancakes or crepes as my now French elder daughter refers to them.

Anyway to update my journey from Macedonia. Still bursting with adrenalin from a great 5 days I took a six hour journey through the Macedonian mountains (nearly running out of petrol on the way!) My joke in a previous blog about Macedonian bandits is actually nearer the truth than I imagined. You do not want to run out of petrol in mountainous Macedonia! My driver was sweating. The journey to pristina airport lasted 6 hours and then it was back to London via Vienna with the soulless Austrian Airlines. I didn’t even get the time to grab a good glass of Austrian red (and there are some good ones) at the excellent wine bar in Vienna Airport. I got to Heathrow at 9.30pm and the tube and another train got me to the London house at 11.30. I had during the train ride picked the message about Caroline’s aunt’s death. The next morning it was up at 6 to get the Eurostar to Lille and then a train onto Montpellier. Every time I take the train to France I wonder why I ever bother flying with the ghastly Ryanair. I am sure, when everything is added up, that it is no more expensive. And you certainly don’t get treated like an animal.

The girls were thrilled to see me. They had prepared banners and balloons and we had food and a bottle of wine. I was by this time utterly exhausted and it took me two days to recover from both 70 days of almost continuous seminars and exhausting travel from Ohrid, Macedonia to Montpellier, France via London. But it is amazing how some of my daughter’s energy transferred itself to me and I was able to be a ‘performing’ father.

Caroline went back to England a day or two later and from there I have worked during the day while my daughters are at school and child-minders, and entertained my daughters in the evening. I leave for the UK again on Saturday for 20 days. Working for Birmingham City Council, The Forensic Science Service and a new project with school children in Milton Keynes – trying to help them be more creative.

The song of the moment is ‘Summer Madness’ by Kool and the Gang. Effortless and proves that many of these soul bands were actually fantastic musicians long before their record companies made them produce dross (Ladies Night, Celebration etc.)

A great five days comes to an end and I head back to France via the UK on Monday. Two high happiness points to report. The first a series of great seminars with people of many nationalities. One of those fulfilling times when the praise you get is matched by the impact you think you have had. I could have sold 30 books but would have felt a little cheap had I done so. Nonetheless I probably missed an opportunity.

The 2nd high point was a boat trip to a monastery on Lake Ohrid. The monastery (ST Naum) was disappointing but the trip itself on the water and the sensational views quite the opposite. You learn so much on trips like these. I spoke to a guy from the Gambia who told me his country is as flat as a billiard table and a lady from the Cameroon who told me that her country is the only dual french/english speaking country apart from Canada. Also that the media image of Zimbabwe is not 100% accurate. Half truths on both sides. Was it ever thus?

I had a long call from Caroline . Nice to hear her up and looking forward to my return - my naughty youngest was as voluble as ever in the background. Only a few days to go.

Song of the day is a great Salif Keita track that was played on the boat trip to the monastery. I do not know its name but will find out.

Next entry on Wednesday. Two days of travel to look forward to. The first with the dismal Austrian Airlines to the UK via Vienna. The second from London to Montpellier with the excellent TGV and Eurostar. I would gladly travel by train everywhere.

3 countries

The Balkan experience continues. .. A walk along the shore of the lake at 6.30am from where you can see Albania, Macedonia and a piece of Greece. And a day of working with people of 50 nationalities. Rainbow training I guess. But we had a lot of fun and made lots of noise. They all leave tomorrow and a new group arrive. The temptation to eat and drink too much is vast but I have to be professional and resist the stimulation of the palate. But a single glass of a rather good Macedonian wine was much appreciated by my digestive system.

Tomorrow is a half day and I then take a boat trip around the lake and visit a very old Macedonian monastery. I will report tomorrow night.

The daily gripe has stalled. I cannot think of much to be unhappy about. The air has enlivened me. I spoke to Caroline and the children this evening and all sounded very lively at base. The return of father after 3 months is (I think) much anticipated.

So a more detailed blog at the weekend. I continue to play the Senegalese Orchestra Baobab and the Africans in the group all loved it. Extra points for the seminar leader as I had hoped for yesterday!

I will sleep well and when all is well with me I never dream. I would be surprised if I dreamed TONIGHT.

Ohrid, Macedonia

A short blog tonight as it is late and I am tired but what a beautiful place to be. I am in Ohrid the second city of Macedonia which sits on a large lake of the same name. Tonight I sat on the balcony of the hotel room and watched the sun set behind the mountains. The mountains turned bright red and were reflected almost perfectly onto the lake. There was no wind but a slight mist and the lake mirrored the mountains with a soft haze just challenging you to look a little more closely. There were almost no clouds and the temperature was deliciously crisp. I have got my vigour back which has been missing over the last few days. Although I am looking forward to getting back I am also pleased to be here. It must be one of the most beautiful spots in Europe.

The journey from Pristina to Ohrid took 5 hours. Great scenery again although a particularly sad sight in a town called Bitola as I saw the disgusting, rubbish strewn area where the Roma live. The Roma are treated badly by almost everyone. I read once that they are descendants of the Indians. Their skin colour is very similar. The difference is of course that India is on the verge of being a 21st century superpower while the Roma will remain impoverished Europeans – ignored in the East and the West.

Tomorrow night I will report on my work with people from over 50 nations. That will be an experience.

The song of the day is an album – Orchestra Baobab: Pirate’s Choice. I am working with many Africans tomorrow and I hope they will enjoy my musical choice.

New Life

Most days I ignore the Iraqi carnage I am ashamed to say but today – with the abduction (and I presume execution) of workers at the Ministry of Education and the murder of another 50 or so people – it was hard to ignore. The only word I can think for this whole fiasco is ‘revolting’. What puzzles me is that everyone I knew before the US/UK invaded in 2003 predicted that exactly these things would happen. Politicians who say ‘No-one could foresee these events’ are perhaps hiding behind their own inadequacies. Everyone I knew did. What exactly do we pay our foreign office to do? To scenario plan likely events around the world like this I would have thought. That they didn’t foresee this or anything like it is rather worrying. Anyone with the vaguest understanding of tribalism in this part of the world should have known. Our foreign office in the late 80's and early 90's also did not see how the wind was blowing in the Balkans. They gave tacit approval to the Milosevic regime while most other parts of the world (Russia supported its old ally) could see the game he was playing.

That was today’s gripe and I got it out of the way because I had many happy things happen to me. My first positive thinking book is being translated into Korean! When you have a monstrous ego like mine, combined with bouts of low self-esteem (and yes, the two do often go together) then any affirmation of one’s capabilities is welcome. And besides I am rather pleased a very successful country, built out of difficult circumstances, wants one of my books. I heard today from two old friends. Richard Roxburgh – a major influence on my life and something of a mentor to me in my twenties (although he may not know it) and Chris Carling, a lifecoach who runs her own website chriscoach.com.

So a day for old friends and new life as my sister sent me pictures of my new-born niece on the web. I am an uncle for the first time. I hope to be more than just a birthday cheque. I am thrilled and equally so for my sister as she and her partner John had to go through the medical gamut to be able to have their daughter Daisy.

Today is my last day in Kosovo punctuated by a security alert (only a ‘practice’ one), unannounced which rather curtailed my seminar. I am almost ashamed to say that I was not so worried to see the seminar restricted as I was extremely tired and I think struggling to get through to my audience. But the response seemed ok but so perhaps I shouldn’t worry as much. I forgot to mention in yesterday’s blog that Arlind put me right on the Serbian constitution vote. If Serbia sees Kosovo as a part of Serbia why weren’t Kosovars allowed to vote on it? Particularly as the issue of Kosovo is part of that new constitution. The OSCE election observers said there were only minor election irregularities. This sounds like a quite a big one.

So in the morning I leave in a UN vehicle bound for Ohrid in Macedonia which I have never visited before and my blog may be curtailed for a few days. I will try to record events at least twice while there but I am partly now motivated by thoughts of getting home and may do a big ‘wrap-up’ blog of the whole Ohrid adventure when back in France. We are taking a UN approved route – is that good? It makes it sound like if we go off the beaten track we will be abducted by fanatical Macedonian highjackers. Watch this space. I badly need exercise and I just hope that the hotel has a pool but I suspect it probably won’t. I will be on the salads and the bike when back in France. Penance for the vat of vin rouge I shall be consuming while there.

I have given up on ‘Death in the Afternoon’. I loved this book when I was young but now I think it is actually badly written (bad form I know for a semi-literate blogger to say this). It rambles too much and I felt I was reading too much between the lines about Hemmingway’s ego.

Song of the day: Coumba: Orchestra Baobab. Great early 70’s African music. The best decade for music from that continent.

pertej vetes

A very happy event to report today. I happened to have, in one of my seminars a leading poetess Vjollca Dibra who presented me with one of her books of poetry, she said as a thank you for the work I had done. It is of course in Albanian and I would like to be able to at least understand one of the poems. But I was really touched by the gesture. I naturally gave her one of my books after this, the one on taking opportunities in life. I find the Kosovars I work with amazing people. A driver picks you up to take you somewhere and you discover that he is studying for a masters degree in Business Administration. Or someone like Vjollca (pronounced Yoltsa) who works in procurement and has had three books of poetry published in the Balkans. And apparently won many awards too. I must make a bigger effort to find out what people really do in life rather than what the limited badge of ‘xyz’ job says they are. We make many of our judgements based on the work people do when so often this is such a misleading reflection of what really makes them tick.

The talk in Kosovo is about the suspension of status determination for Kosovo itself. I find this ridiculous. Everyone knows what is going to happen and all that is being done is to enflame local ethnic Albanian ire. I am convinced that the majority of Serbs in Serbia just want to move on and it is the Serb politicians who are trying to make capital out of the possibility of an element of control over Kosovo. There was a referendum on a new constitution in Serbia that was approved by a majority and a clause that saw Kosovo as an intrinsic part of Serbia was included. But this clause was one of a number and I am sure many people will vote for a constitution in which they agreed with most of the elements in it even if they were indifferent to one of them (the Kosovo point). So again we have politicians distorting realities for their own political ends. Time to move on everyone.

Today was one of those days that no matter what I tried to do I just could not get going. So my gripe is just about the occasional feelings of powerlessness I get over my own emotions. The following day is usually the opposite – top of the world. We shall see.

In the evening an early dinner with my friend Arlind.

Song of the day: The Mazzy Star album is the only thing I am listening too. But perhaps it does account for my rather melancholic mood.

Cabbage Patch

Another day to myself which does not worry me because for the next eight days I will be with large groups of people for almost every waking moment. I listened to all the CD’s I bought yesterday (Mazzy Star and Art Pepper currently the most enjoyable) and did some work on the presentations I am giving in Macedonia to UN workers at the end of the week.

My hotel is in a very built up area but somehow an agreeably stubborn small holder has refused to sell his land for development and in the middle of the concrete there he was, in his mini-field, digging the earth and planting what looked like small cabbage plants as I looked out of my hotel window. I took pleasure from the fact he was doing this rather than me and mused that 100 years ago this would have been my life. I am happy that I am living now – I am not one of these people who wants to go back in time. I would prefer to always live in the future. The peacefulness I felt while watching him work was broken a little by the monotonous barking of his rottweiler but this is probably because I cannot connect with dogs at all.

I did spend an hour in the afternoon re-reading my new book (Don’t Worry: How To Beat The Seven Anxieties of Life’). I found myself nodding my head in all the right places until I reminded myself that all of us have a tendency to agree with ourselves. Not a good thing if one wants to retain a degree of free, open thinking. But I like the book. From December I will know if others feel the same.

I notice on the BBC Website that the Euromillions lottery prize is now 103 million. I seem to have an unlimited desire to achieve at the moment – books being published, traveling in post-conflict zones etc, relentless work – but I wonder if that desire would be killed if I suddenly had that wealth. I think it would be. Is not part of the point of living ‘the struggle’? I remember reading about the man who has left all of his money to himself in his will because he believes that one day science will work out how we can all come back to life. As a believer in the unlimited potential of humankind I agree with his views on coming back. But rather selfish not to leave something to those we temporarily leave behind.

My gripe of the day concerns football. I have 45 channels on my hotel television and at any one time about 20 of them show football. Football is a helpful war substitute for the overly aggressive male and for that we should be grateful but do we need Chelsea TV, Manchester United TV, Milan TV and Juventus TV?

Song of the day: So Tonight That I Might See – Mazzy Star.

Golf means the end of 'the struggle'?

A Saturday morning spent nursing a hangover after a few drinks last night with my good Kosovar friend Arlind. Only 4 small bottles of Beck’s beer but I drink beer about twice a year and now I know why. My tongue, in a delightful phrase my father once told me, tasted like Tarzan’s loin cloth.

But tongue aside I occasionally enjoy days like today. I spent much of it by myself in a hotel room doing various thinks like reading, writing (mostly writing a course on ‘non-judgemental listening’ I have to run soon), listening to music and generally pottering and the time just flew by. I like to be with people but I do also like time to myself. Anyway, all rabbits have to come out of their of burrows for food and I eventually walked into Pristina for this reason (the air still acrid) and to watch the rugby match between England and Argentina in ‘The Phoenix Bar’. I didn’t talk to anyone – I am too self-conscious in bars by myself and there has to be a very good reason for me to go in a bar ‘tout seul’. Afterwards I bought some CD’s – Mazzy Star, Catpower, Orchestra Baobab, Art Pepper and Joni Mitchell. I got talking to the shop owner and we discussed the merits of saxophonist Pharoah Sanders for ages. The best concert I have ever seen. A very happy night – he played for hours and we would have had him play for hours more.

When I have days like this I always think of my eldest daughter Lily who is brilliant at losing herself in things for hours on end (a trait we share). She also has that priceless ability to make a huge number of friends in new surroundings, very quickly (a trait which I don’t share normally but I enjoyed my talk with the CD shop owner). I made myself happy today by thinking about her for a considerable amount of time. In ten days time I will be back in Pezenas, France with my babies.

I am so intolerant of mediocrity in my pleasures. Music for example. Why would anyone want to buy those ‘Great American Songbook’ compilations by Rod Stewart? Why? I found a Jeff Beck album today – called ‘Truth’. With Rod Stewart singing on it. So sad to see the decline of a once truly great soul singer (and I mean ‘soul’ singer) when he could sing like he does on this album. That was today’s gripe. What’s happened to Rod – ‘giving up’ it seems to me – is what happens to so many men when they approach middle age. Rod gave up in about 1975 (‘Sailing’). A sign that most men have given up is when they start playing golf. I bet Rod plays golf too. As I have just hit forty I suppose I should be seeking banality but actually I feel like my life is increasingly moving in the opposite direction. I don’t think this is really about being ‘young’ but more about not wanting to be ‘mediocre’ or part of the crowd.

CNN is working again.

Song of the Day: Morning Dew – Jeff Beck. Rod – What happened?

Desert Island crisps

A day spent with local Kosovars exploring what we mean by the word empowerment. Particularly relevant for them (and a long way removed from the cynical connotations around that word in industrialized economies) as they seek to wrestle control of their new found political and economic institutions from a reluctantly grip-loosening international community. Showed them a great film ‘The Green Movie’ (not about the environment). I have of course done the thing that international workers are always told not to do in their temporary homes and gone ‘native’. But in my view justifiably so.

Gripe of the day is a simple one. Everyone is Pristina burns a wood fire. I can hardly breathe in the acrid air. Who said London air is polluted? At least it doesn’t have a ‘flavour’.

But happy things happened today – if impure thoughts count as happy things then many were they. But I liked being invited to share coffee with Kosovar locals (breaking down the international/national barrier) and so many of them shaking my hand at the end of my seminar and thanking me (I think) sincerely. I started to re-read Hemmingway’s ‘Death in the Afternoon’ – the first time I have read this since I was about sixteen. Perhaps the red-bloodedness of the bullfight and the thought of the sun inspired aforementioned mental impurities? I thought a lot about my young daughters too. I will see them in ten days for the first time for 2 months. Lily, my six-going on-sixteen year old has drawn me a picture of us at the beach in Agde, Southern France, last summer. 40 degrees and Isabelle, my naughty youngest kicking sand all over my food! Things that make us angry at the time never seem so bad in hindsight. Even better to laugh at them.

Song of the day: Strange Things Happen Every Day - Olu Dara.

‘Mental play’ thoughts:

Desert Island Crisps – 8 varieties

1. Square
2. Root Vegetable
3. Square Root Vegetable?
4. Cabernet Sauvignon
5. Children’s Toothpaste
6. Donald Rumsfeld (a use for him now he has ‘retired’)
7. Old school classroom
8. Miles Davis trumpet-shaped.

Who put the lettuce in Kosovo?

So, the first day of blogging for me on the recommendation of now fellow blogger and former (and perhaps future) colleague Adam Gee. As I write I wonder why I am doing it - knowing that I never have any time and that by tomorrow night I will probably regret it. But I can think of 4 very good reasons:

1.Cynical. To give free publicity to my BBC Books.
2.Personal. My frequent loneliness means I need to talk to someone even if I don't know who you are.
3.Giving.Perhaps someone out there will interested in what I write?
4.Splenetic.I want to get the good and bad that exists in me out in the open. So each day I will try to gripe only once and to celebrate something at least once but hopefully more so.

I am currently in Pristina, the capital of future statelet Kosovo for two weeks before I travel on to Macedonia. As I eat my salad (washed down with Kosovar white white accompanied by tincture of rotten cork) I wonder why it is that nearly every country in the world insists in covering salads with inedible and indigestible 'dressing'. Why do we want to make salad taste of anything but salad? Gripe over.

So what happened today that made me happy? A nice mail from partner en France Caroline looking forward to a bottle of wine on our one day together between September 14 and Christmas. A cheerful farewell from receptionist at the Hotel Afa as I left this morning 'Mr Douglas, Don't work too hard' (no danger of that). A meeting with Stuart Moran of United Nations whose travels around the world make my trips to near European former war zones seem so insignificant. And the fact that I cannot now get CNN on my hotel TV means I do not have to expose myself to another helping of Iraqi slaughter. The break is good for me.

To finish this evening's jot I am reminded of a great quote from crashing snob, society host and gloriously ego-centric diarist Henry 'Chips' Channon:

'What is the point of a discrete diary. One may as well have a discreet soul'. Bloggers take note! I hope I can live up to the aspiration.

Song for the day: 'Oh Girl' - The Chi-lites.